Hanging up 'My Suit and Thai'

Well, the time has almost come to figuratively (and literally) hang up My Suit and Thai and call it a day on my teaching adventure in Thailand. Last week was my final week of teaching at Assumption and boy, I did not expect this day to come around so quickly. Like I always seem to say with every experience I have had here, my feeling is one of bittersweet-ness. I am actually pretty relieved that my kids did not cry around me...it was bad enough them looking sad and hugging me goodbye and not wanting to let go. I decided that as a farewell token, I would get a giant Thai flag and have all my students write their names on it. However, the Thai flag idea failed when the sharpie ink just bled through the flag material. So, I found a giant piece of scrap paper, got my Primary 2 students to colour in a Thai flag on it and use that instead. Granted, it may seem pretentious to want to get something like that as a reminder of how much my kids liked me as their teacher, but it was more as an appreciation for them, and so I won't forget the amazing times I've had teaching them. For those of you who know me outside of Thailand, you know that I also have a giant American flag that I had my friends sign when I was leaving Willamette and I wanted to achieve the same thing here.

ลาก่อน แมทธิว. This poster will come with me to Singapore as a reminder of my amazing little rascals.

So yeah, for the final week of teaching, I got every student to come and sign this flag of mine. The cutest thing about it was that some of the kids would write their names in English on their hands so when they came over, they wouldn't forget how to write it...so precious! Furthermore, some of them made me little cards with drawings of me and them together. It was incredibly cute and definitely made me get a lump in my throat. Perhaps the most emotional part of the week was saying goodbye to one of my favourite students in Primary 2; when he hugged me goodbye started to tear up a little. I asked him if he was okay, and his mouth started to quiver and he just got really sad and rested his head on me and hugged me super tight. I never thought I would ever get that reaction seeing that I only ever saw my classes twice a week. But, it was so sad. It will be hard to fully say goodbye to this school. As much as it has stressed me out at times, I am so thankful for being able to teach here and will take home many fond memories. I always remember being unsure about my placement from my agency before arriving in Thailand as I wanted to work in Bangkok. But, looking back now and seeing/hearing other people's experiences, I actually scored very lucky with my school and feel very blessed because of it.

Primary 1

Of course, my time here has not just been about teaching. I've been so fortunate to have travelled to so many different places and meet some fantastic people. And as much as I try to look upon my whole experience in Thailand as one that is overall positive, I would be lying to say that there are some things which I haven't liked by being here and for me, became a catalyst for making the decision to leave Thailand and start afresh. It must be noted that what I have called 'reality' for the past eighteen months has been far from it in my opinion. I have been in an environment which is very different to anything I have been in before; First of all, as much as I call myself a teacher -- it is very laidback in comparison to if I was teaching back home. I have 22 hour weeks and practically not a single bit of paperwork/marking to do outside of school. I can go home and actually relax. On the langauge side of it, living in a city where not many people speak English has been challenging at times. As much as I tried to improve my Thai (and yes, I should have tried harder), the Thai people I met always wanted to practice their English. This in many ways forced me into a position where the only other people I interacted and bonded with were fluent English speakers. Tie that in to all of them sharing the same profession as you and you soon realise that you don't create connections over personality but rather the common bond and connection of being teachers and speaking English. For me, there was never a way to escape that and make friends (in Korat) who I didn't draw myself to just because they were English speakers and teachers. (Now, I know I've worked at a summer camp which is very similar in the respect of being around people who have the same job as you...but the environment was very different). Of course the friends I did make here I formed connections with beyond that. However, discussions and hangouts always seemed to shift their focus back to our core similarities; teaching. And because of this, perhaps the biggest issue for me that I faced being here was feeling lonely. Now, I know some of my friends who read this might think that I have bought some of this on myself because I do have the tendancy to 'alienate' myself. However, the reason stated above played a big part in why I would do that. As much as I wanted to escape work and the teaching mindset, I could never escape it in Korat because all of my other friends were teachers, who then knew other colleagues at my school too. My only friends I made in Thailand who were not teachers like myself all lived outside of Korat (Bangkok, Ubon, even Singapore...).

Primary 2

As some readers also know, I happened to perhaps make more enemies than friends here. I constantly thought that made me a bad person but I just did not share the same mindset as them. The friends I did make shared great memories with me and that's what I made sure people predominately saw. I came into this journey wanting to stay as honest and true to myself. Although I learnt very quickly that honesty WASN'T always the best policy, and the best way I was going to get by was to keep my mouth shut and express opinions to myself or behind other peoples back. By the time I figured that out though, it was already too late and I was being labelled as the "bitch" of the group. As much as I tried to fix it, nothing would work and I struggled remaining superficial and sociable when I felt stupid and insecure doing it.
Staying true to myself definitely didn't happen either. Throughout any life-changing journey I have been fortunate enough to embark on, I always find myself changing and adapting and growing stronger. However, throughout my time here, I have been constantly misunderstood to the point where I would even question myself and the validity of the thoughts in which I was thinking; I became lost in myself and tried to change myself and people's perceptions (maybe I didn't try hard enough? haha) and in hindsight, I feel I've become weaker or perhaps angrier in the process. This happened very early on though when trying to make amends with my first boyfriend. Going to Malaysia was so emotionally draining on me that I just snapped afterwards - I've barely cried since that day; only cried two times after that to be exact. I thought that I had turned a new leaf at the beginning of 2015, and I was really starting to enjoy being here, meeting people and exploring new places -- which still rings true now; I absolutely loved the memories I made here...but mostly they were made outside of Korat... It wasn't until June that I really felt I had found more than just one or two people I felt comfortable around. Hanging with the girls was so much fun and we had many, many laughs. However, as time progressed and situations happened, we all started to move on and focus on the next chapters of our lives and I just feel that what we used to have has fizzled away (which is inevitable).

Primary 3

In turn, attitudes and perceptions of myself changed. I just felt unhappy. Never have I been in a place that is swamped in such negativity. All that I found here was for the most part, people always had something to complain about and it got to the point where I felt myself getting dragged into it. Yes, there are things about Thailand which didn't sit right with me (as with anywhere you live...), and I hated that it was brought up so I would try my best to counteract it with something positive. It reached a point where I felt I couldn't say anything positive anymore to the fact that a) no one would listen to me and b) it would seem so alien for people to hear someone talk good about their job/life. It just warped into me feeling unhappy and feeling like I didn't/don't belong here. The more I would travel and visit other places, specifically Singapore, the more I felt a sense of belonging and in an environment that wasn't so superficial and where I felt like I couldn't escape from work. And that is a big reason as to why I am moving to Singapore, so I can start afresh and learn from the mistakes I made here. Furthermore, I can make friends and socialise with people who are not involved in work and I can have that separation which I've realised more than ever is what I want and need. In Korat, I found escaping the 'school' and 'farang' culture was next to impossible. I will admit that some people have been lucky enough to create bonds in Korat that have a bigger foundation than "we are both teachers" but unfortunately, that never panned out for me.I just don't want to feel secondary anymore. I mean that in the sense of feeling secondary to a system and socially; never feeling like I had my own friends here or my own independance here made me feel insecure and in terms of just being a 'farang' in general, there were times I felt unappreciated and unwelcome.
But, despite that negative rant, my main goal for the last couple of weeks here is to leave Thailand with a smile on my face and to focus my mind on my new adventure in Singapore and what that has to bring. And knowing how much I've loved teaching my kids will always be the overriding memory that I will leave Thailand with; I've got to remember that as much as Thailand isn't for me, I'm so glad I gave it a shot. Journeys like this are always temporary, so I've realised I've got to not try to focus on the negative or bad stuff so much, although that has been extremely hard to overcome.

A great representation of my classes drawn by one of my Primary 2 students.

Above everything, I am so thankful for this experience as it has made me realise a lot of things. As much as things weren't always perfect for me, I am beyond humbled with the love I have recieved from my students -- that love is what is driving me to pursue this career more and really make a difference. Thailand has been a surreal experience. I have met some of the most amazing people and have shared some amazing memories, I am excited to come back as a tourist where I can fully relax and appreciate the beauty of this country. Khop khun krub! ลาก่อน

Thanks for the memories, guys!